The loss of my daughter.(Part 2)

The ambulance and hospital

About 5-10 minutes before getting to the hospital I had told my midwife that I was starting to feel a lot more pressure, and that my contractions were getting worse. She said this was all normal, and I kept asking her if there could be any other reason as to why they couldn’t find Adalynns heartbeat, and she told me that it was possible, but that we had to be transferred to the hospital due to the high tech that hospitals have that Birth Centers do not. I had a fireman sitting next to me asking me questions, and I remember him telling me he had been through about 7 of these incidents, and that he wanted me to feel as comfortable as possible. The firemen were really nice from the start, and it was sweet that they wanted me to feel comfortable, but when you go through labor you don’t really care about what people think in those moments. When we pulled up to the hospital, and they opened the ambulance doors, I remember feeling a heavy weight of emotions come over me. This was not how I envisioned having my daughter. This was not the experience I wanted to go through to bring her into this world, and the scary part was that there was a huge possibility she wouldn’t be coming into this world with me at all. As they pulled me down the hallway and to the elevator I remember feeling the fear come over me once again. It hit me in that moment that I could be delivering my child, but that she wasn’t going to be alive.

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The loss of my daughter.(Part 1)


Grief can hit you like an unexpected car crash. It is sudden, it is unexpected, it is painful. At least for me that is exactly what it was… Growing up I have experienced loss through the lens of another persons pain, but never my own. I have heard people talk about grief, and how it is like a roller coaster, or even how grief is like an ocean of waves coming and going. I never understood grief, and what it felt like until I lost my daughter, Adalynn. It has been five months since my daughter went to be with Jesus in Heaven, and although my faith is what gives me hope that I will see her again one day, it does not take away the pain. My hope doesn’t take away the fact that I wish she were here in my arms. That I wish I could go through the experience of having a newborn with my husband. It doesn’t take away all the hopes and dreams I had for this baby, and for our family as we envisioned moving forward with our lives as a family of four.

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